


Who You Are Without Me

by past piginawig (orphan_account)



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: College, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 07:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3683607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/past%20piginawig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been four months since Jude had kissed his cheek, squeezed his hand, and walked away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who You Are Without Me

**Author's Note:**

> otpwarpaint on tumblr  
> title from 'who you are without me' by kate voegele  
> a certain scene was 100% stolen from amazing spiderman 2

It had been four months.

Four months since Jude had kissed his cheek, squeezed his hand, and walked away.

Four months since Jude had told him he needed to find himself outside of their relationship.

 _We’ve been together since we were thirteen_ , he’d said.  _I don’t know who I am without you, and I don’t think that’s healthy._

Four months.

Connor let his forehead slump against his desk and closed his eyes. The sound of his roommate tapping keys on his laptop began to get on his nerves; after a moment, he stood from his desk, slammed his textbook that he’d been attempting to read shut, put his shoes on, and left the room. He ignored his roommate’s questioning call to him and slammed the door.

He made his way mindlessly through the halls of the dorm, finally reaching the door that led to the cafeteria. He walked in, his ears immediately greeted with the loud sounds of young adults enjoying themselves. It was a Saturday evening, dinner time, three months into his first semester at UCLA. He wondered what Jude was doing, if he was at home for the weekend or in his own off-campus apartment, if he was out with a new guy, or his new friends.

He scolded himself. Four months broken up. He shouldn’t still be thinking about Jude. Jude obviously wasn’t thinking about him.

He got food from the line and found a small, empty table. He pulled out his cell phone, pretending like he was busy texting so people would think he was alone by choice, and not because he had been too heartbroken to even attempt to make friends.

He was checking his email when a chair across from him pulled out and someone sat down. He looked up.

“Hi,” he breathed, heart picking up speed.

“You have to stop,” Jude said sadly.

Connor frowned. “Stop what? Eating dinner?”

Jude sighed. “You need to stop moping around like your life can’t go on because you got dumped.”

Connor flinched at the harshness of his words.

“I don’t say it to be mean, Connor,” Jude said.  “I’m worried about you. I see you around and it’s like you’re a zombie. When I said I needed to find myself outside of you, I meant that you needed to find yourself outside of me, too. You’re an amazing person and you deserve to know everything about yourself, and you deserve to have friends that aren’t me. Go to parties, talk to people in your classes, make friends on the baseball team.”

Connor snorted.

Jude smiled softly. “Okay, maybe not the baseball team. But you know what I mean. Let yourself enjoy things again. I want you to be happy.”

“I was happy with you,” Connor muttered.

Jude frowned. Connor looked down at the table, embarrassed.

“I don’t think you were happy. I think you were comfortable. This doesn’t mean I don’t still love you, you know. I’m doing it  _because_  I love you. And because I love me, and I need to spend time on me. But you have to spend time on you, too.”

Connor nodded. Jude stood up, walked over to Connor, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. He ran fingers through his hair, and, ignoring the shiver that ran down Connor’s spine, walked away again.

That night, after dinner, when Connor’s roommate began getting ready to go to a party, Connor tagged along.

***

Seven months. It was February, and Connor had plans to go out with friends to celebrate that they had all passed an exam in their government class. He got a text as he was climbing into the passenger seat of Jessica’s car. He pulled his phone from his pocket and read  _hey, what are you up to?_

Jude.

Connor’s heart started racing and he froze.

“Connor?” Jessica’s voice was concerned.

Connor jumped, looking up at her. He finished climbing into the car, and shut the door. He realized all three of his friends were staring at him.

“Dude, you alright?” Robert’s voice sounded loud in Connor’s ears. He was in the backseat next to his girlfriend, Emily.

“Yeah, uh...” His voice trailed off as he held his phone, staring at the text. Jessica was leaning over his shoulder and she gasped.

“Jude?” 

“Um.”

“Dude, what’d he say?” Robert asked, intrigued. Connor read the text out loud.

“Well you have to text him back,” Emily said.

Robert scoffed. “No, don’t text him back. He ignored you for like, a year. Give him a taste of his own medicine.”

“But you still love him, right Connor?” Emily said.

“Just tell him you’re busy with your friends,” Jessica suggested. “I mean, that’s what he wanted for you anyway, right?”

Connor nodded. Fingers shaking, he typed out,  _going to dinner w friends. u?_

His gut twisted when he pressed the send button, and he threw his phone in the cup holder of the console.

“Alright,” Connor said, through the trembling in his voice. “Let’s go to Taco Bell.”

His friends laughed, and he felt the tension leave his body, as Robert yelled,  _dinner of champions_!

****

March brought spring break, and Connor spent the entire week with Robert, Jessica, and Emily, staying at Emily’s parents’ beach house a few miles away from Anchor Beach. He had been texting with Jude pretty frequently since the first night, and just through the texts Jude knew all about Connor’s new friends. He seemed happy for Connor, and told him about his own friends, his own adventures, and something in Connor’s heart lightened and he was able to feel happy for Jude, too.

But this was spring break. Robert had gotten a text from an acquaintance about a party just a few miles away, and they got into the car and went. Connor had to laugh when he realized the beach they were at was Anchor Beach, and he could see the school from where they were at on the sand. It made him think of Jude, but it didn’t make his chest hurt anymore. 

He had only had a few drinks when the boy approached him. He had blonde hair and green eyes and freckles along his nose, and he was wearing swim trunks and nothing else. Connor couldn’t stop looking at him, and it didn’t take a long conversation before they had found a secluded spot.

The next morning, Connor wasn’t sure of the boy’s name and he didn’t really care. Kissing him was nice, but it wasn’t anything like kissing Jude.

“Heard you had a good night,” Emily said over a cup of coffee when Connor entered the living room. She had on one of Robert’s sweatshirts and, Connor prayed desperately, underwear, at the very least.

“It was nice,” Connor agreed.

Jessica walked out of the kitchen with her own cup of coffee and squawked. “Please, that guy was so hot. I couldn’t stop thinking about doing body shots off of his abs. All eight of them.”

Connor felt his cheeks heat up.

“First time I’ve kissed anyone, that wasn’t..” he gulped.

Emily frowned. “Since Jude?”

“Only person I’ve kissed  _other_  than Jude.”

Emily’s eyebrows raised. “How was it?”

Connor shrugged. “It was okay, I guess. Like, technically. But I didn’t, like. I didn’t really feel anything. And afterward it was like, okay, that’s it? I kept comparing it to kissing Jude, and it wasn’t even close.”

“Maybe he just wasn’t the right guy,” Jessica assured. “You’ll find him.”

“Yeah,” Connor muttered. “I think I already did.”

****

_Do you want to meet for lunch?_

Connor stared at the text.

It didn’t take any thinking for him to reply,  _yes_.

It had been nine months, and Connor had to actually count them in his head as he walked to the small cafe off campus where Jude had wanted to meet. He figured maybe it was a good sign, that he didn’t know how many months it had been.

He smiled as he saw Jude sitting at an outdoor table for two, nervously tapping his fingers against his leg. He reached the table and Jude stood. They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, and then Jude reached out and hugged him. Connor held him tight, reveling in the feeling of just holding him again.

They sat down.

Silence.

And then, “I thought it was time.”

Connor frowned. “Time for what?”

“For us to be friends again,” Jude said. “Outside of just texting. We were best friends, and we shouldn’t have to give that up.”

“Right,” Connor nodded. “That’s a good idea.”

Jude smiled and his eyes crinkled at the sides and Connor shook his head.

“Okay, so, like, we’re going to need some ground rules.”

“What?” Jude frowned.

“If we’re going to be friends, there have to be ground rules.”

“Like what?”

“Like, you can’t do that smile. Where your eyes scrunch up like that. Can’t do that.”

Jude laughed.

“And that laugh. That’s not allowed either,” Connor said, shaking his head, smiling. “I’m afraid we can’t be just friends if you continue to do those things.”

“Maybe I should come up with another laugh. One that’s really obnoxious.”

“Go for it,” Connor said. Jude laughed, a maniacal, ridiculous cackle. “Nope, still adorable. Can’t do it.”

Jude threw his hands up, trying another laugh, this one high pitched. Connor shook his head, bringing his hand up and running it through his hair.

“Well if I can’t laugh or smile, you can’t do that,” Jude said seriously.

“Do what?” Connor asked, incredulous.

“That whole, running your hand through your hair thing. It does things to your arm muscles and I won’t allow it.”

“Oh? My arm muscles are too much for you?”

“Yeah,” Jude said, challenging. “And while we’re at it, you have to always wear sleeves.”

Connor threw his head back laughing.

“Yeah,” Jude said quietly “You can’t laugh, either.”

“It seems we’re going to only have very serious conversations,” Connor said.

Jude nodded. The cafe around them had begun to fill up, with it being lunchtime. Jude and Connnor had never ordered.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Jude suggested. Connor nodded, and they stood, leaving the cafe. “We can go back to my apartment. I don’t have a roommate.”

They walked, arms occasionally brushing. They talked about school, and their friends, and their lives. Before long, they were reaching an apartment building and climbing a flight of stairs. Jude pulled a key from his pocket and unlocked 2B, stepping inside.

“My humble abode,” he announced, closing the door behind Connor.

“It’s very nice,” Connor answered, looking around. The apartment was small, a couch and coffee table in the living room, with a TV mounted on the wall. Behind that was a kitchen, in which you could stand in the middle and reach the sink, dishwasher, oven, and refrigerator without moving.

“The bathroom is through the bedroom,” Jude said, pointing to a closed door off the living room. “Sorry, it’s really tiny.” Then he sat on the couch, offering the seat next to him to Connor. Connor sat.

“Do you like it here?”

“Yeah,” Jude said. “But I spend most of my weekends at home, since it’s so close. Sometimes it gets lonely.”

“I was lonely a lot when school first started,” Connor said. “But once I started hanging out with Jessica and Robert and Emily they made sure I wasn’t.”

“So they’re really cool, huh?”

Connor nodded. “They’re easily my best friends.”

Jude frowned and looked at the floor.

“Not that-” Connor sighed. “You’re still my best friend, Jude. You’re always going to be my best friend.”

Jude still didn’t say anything.

“You did the right thing, Jude,” Connor finally said. “Breaking up with me. It was the right thing.”

“Was it?” Jude asked, quietly.

“I needed it. I had centered my entire life around you, thinking that was what I was supposed to do. But it’s not. Your relationship can’t be your whole life! You’ve gotta have balance, with your friends and your school and your hobbies. We didn’t have that. We just stayed wrapped up in each other. And I think...” He paused. “I think we had to find out if it was truly what we wanted. I mean, we’d been together since we were thirteen. Things change a lot between thirteen and nineteen.”

“And what did you...” Jude breathed in. “Did you find what you wanted?”

Connor looked at Jude, could see the fear in his eyes. “I made out with this guy at a party over spring break.”

“Oh,” Jude replied, eyes dropping to the couch.

“And I remember thinking that it was a nice kiss, but it wasn’t anything like kissing Jude. But it was okay, that I wasn't kissing you. There were other things in my life that could make me happy. I needed that. I needed to know that even if I love you  _so_  much, that if I don’t have you I can still be happy. I didn’t have that before, and now I do.”

Jude smiled softly. “It was easy at first. I was where you’re at right now; I had these things that made me happy and it was easy to ignore that I missed you. But as time went on, the missing you got harder to ignore,” Jude said. “I was still living my life, and I was still happy, and fulfilled, but I found myself wishing that you were with me. That’s why I started texting. And today, why I wanted to see you. Maybe just seeing you, and being friends would be enough to stop missing you.”

“But what’s the point?” Connor asked. “I mean, we both did what you wanted us to; what we needed to do. We found ourselves away from each other and now we can find out who we are together.”

Jude smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Besides, if you keep smiling like that there’s no way I was gonna be able to stay just friends with you,” Connor grinned. Jude laughed, and Connor kissed the smile on his face.

 _This_  feeling was what he’d missed on spring break. Kissing Jude was like nothing else in the world.

They separated, and Connor leaned back into the couch, arm over the back.

“I guess I’m going to have to start getting used to this apartment...”

Jude leaned into Connor’s side, reaching up and linking his fingers with Connor’s.

“Love you” he whispered into the quiet room.

Connor smiled. He kissed Jude’s temple. “I love you, too.”


End file.
